In an age of decreasing revenue and rising production costs, newspaper publishers are constantly looking for new ways to reduce outgoings.
With that in mind, the Daily Mail have stunned industry pundits by announcing that they are to publish the same issue every day.
“They recently realised that they were repeating themselves day-in day-out anyway,” a source close to editor-in-chief Paul Dacre revealed. “So they decided to simply reprint the same copy until the end of time.
They’ll mix it up a bit. Every now and again they’ll change the word ‘Polish’ to ‘Romanian’, change which food product cures or causes cancer and throw the Taxpayers Alliance a bone.
But – essentially – the whole operation can be run by an intern who knows their way around the ‘Find & Replace’ function in Microsoft Word.
They’re confident that the vast majority of the readership won’t notice a difference. As long as their fears and prejudices are constantly re-affirmed, they’ll be happy as sandboys.
Can I still say that? Or is it offensive to sandboys now?”
Rival publications are monitoring this new business model with interest.
Rumour has it that the Guardian have already lined up the banner headline “The Wire: It’s Still Awesome!” and the Daily Star are considering endless repeats of the Jordan/Peter/Alex triangle.
“One of them is willing to overdose on coke if the price is right,” a Daily Star insider oozed. “I’m not going to say which one. We’ve got to keep some mystery.”
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So true even Army of Dave couldn’t make it funny, er, up. Up.
It’s the perfect headline. According to the Mail, “everything” both causes and cures cancer so that means that the health aspect is covered. Liz Jones can continue complaining about everything and Richard Littlejohn can, well, what does he do anyway?