Hello. How have you been? Have you missed me the way that I missed you? The others? They mean nothing to me. You’re my favourite Sorry I’ve been so slack recently but it’s not you, it’s me. Real life’s been getting in the way again. I don’t make life complicated, it just seems to get [...]
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Thought For The Day.
America is the only country on Earth where someone born a poor black boy can die a rich white woman. That is all.
Official Declaration of my Greatness
There. It’s official. I am the World’s Greatest Dad. I’ve got a mug to prove it and I’ll wave it in the faces of social services if they come knocking. “You can’t take them away! I have crockery and we all know that crockery is objective!” It has also been seconded by the coaster it [...]
Pinko Liberal Writing Competition
If, unlike me, you’re not a pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reading-liberal you may not have noticed the writing competition the pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian appears to be running. Every year, the pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian Weekend magazine publishes an annual summer short story edition. Normally these are written by established pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reading-liberal authors. But this year, they will publish a story written by a pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reader. It can be on any theme, must [...]
Dave’s World of Sport
The sun is out and it’s a weekend of sport. I have a very narrow definition of what constitutes a sport. It came about after a very long afternoon in the pub and much debate and compromise with friends: “If you can play it professionally wearing slacks, it’s not a sport. It’s a pastime.” Golf? [...]
Brian Blessed In Your Pocket
New from David P. Turnerberger III Enterprises. The Brian-Blessed-In-Your-Pocket! Comes with 5 phrases: 1. “I’M BRIAN BLESSED!” 2. “SLIT THEIR GIZZARDS!” 3. “HAWKMEN! DIIIIIIIVE!!!” 4. “YOU’VE WON! LET HIM DIE!” And of course: 5. “GORDON’S ALIVE!” All lovingly rendered at 140 decibels. Impress your friends! Annoy your neighbours! Worry your pets! If I can get [...]
‘Lost’ Masterclass
I don’t know about you but, personally, I gave up on ‘Lost’ about half way through the first series when I suddenly realised that they had no idea where they were going with the programme. Then I caught a documentary/puff piece about the last season finale on Sky 1 and it looks like it’s gone [...]
That Iraq War Report In Full
The government announced that an independent inquiry on the war in Iraq is to be launched. Though they have confirmed that the results will not be released until 2010, I can reveal that it investigation has already been completed by somebody close to the current administration and that I have received a leaked copy of [...]
Smashing the Laws of Thermodynamics
Living with 3 kids is hard work. The Better Half and I are always tired, emotional and confused. It’s like constantly being drunk, but more expensive. But that’s not stopped my research. Yes, the basic tenets of physics are coming crashing around our ears at Chez Turner. In the last few weeks, I have created [...]
A Guide To Parenthood
The flow chart below currently sums up my life. I hope that it’s a handy guide for all of you for when your baby is crying.
